Apr 30, 2017

Current Status: Sloth Reader MODE ON

Hmm.. I was once declared myself as a bookworm or somewhat reading lots of things, good or bad, align or opposite my views & beliefs. I swallowed all of them, so that I have huge and vast point of view despite of most people. There are sometimes I can see things that no one sees, hmm in knowledge terms yes, not somekind of scary things spiritual thingy. I have had such a big, HUGE inspiration from reading, through it I got inspirationas for day to day basics, or just simply imagination on how people live in other side of the world. Reading led me to other time or era, WWII, 20's, 40's 70's or even a glimpse of future fiction. Reading can bring you to someoneelse's point of view, the way of thinking, the way of life, or just the way they talk or respond to others. That's why I love to read, you can be anyone you want, you can be anywhere, anytime and you can speak many language too... well as if 💞 even though I can only read books in Bahasa Indonesia & English, hmm and Arabic for Qur'an, though the translation is still using English or Bahasa.
I like to read Sloth-like-pace :D
Through time, I read less and less, I don't know why, may be I'm just too lazy, or lately I get busy with my social media like Instagram, Youtube and others, and yes serial movies, K-Drama *sigh* well that is toxic, I can admit but it's just another guilty pleasure other than junk food & soda drinks :D but somehow my daily basis works absorb most of my time and my head. It occupies both mentally & physically (I get easily sick lately though). How I can't blame them, I just have to stay update and stay awake to communcation about works trhough Instant Messaging like whatsApp, telegram and others :( then I realize, I started reading lots of books but never finished them, but yes I had the time to BUY them... 

I have MASSIVE PILES OF UNREAD BOOKS, WHY? I just looooooooove to buy them, and claiming didn't have much time to read (yeah bullsh*t) :D Let's see, I always have the time to visit a book store, in malls, or airports haahahaha, I do like to visit them than I visit departement store to buy clothes, shoes, or bags. And I got to be honest I lately bought 9 books yes BIG NINE from the yearly book market BBW Jakarta 2017, I did it spontaneously, when will I read them?? I DON'T KNOW!! However I still got 2 books I borrowed from a friend and still not finished the, where I borrowed them like 2 years ago OMAIGAAD, and I just had finished one of the two books... :( now I admit that I'm such a sloth... in the bookworm world TT_TT..

I recently start to read again, finishing one borrowed book was such an accomplishment, and when I see through again my Goodreads account, there are lots of currently reading status and not yet updated... and some were from 2010, what have I become :(

The one newest and I don't know :(

The one from 2010 :(

Some of the books I really don't know where exactly their exostences are :D well It's all depending on my mood, when you see my colection of books, it differs in so many ways, I'd ather loves fiction but I love historical fiction sometime chicklit would satisfy my light taste for laguange or just to have a flowing style in thinking.

Okayyy.. despite of the books piles drama I do want to finish my book chalenge this year, yes somehow I'd hope for that though, 5 books for the whole year. Mediocre, I know, but really with this kind of sloth-like-reading-pace I bet finishing 5 books would be such an achievement.. so thereee.. wish me luck!!! (and still I want to buy MORE books :D)

5 Books for Whole Year, Wish Me Luck ;)

Apr 24, 2017

Why Am I An Assh*le? But So Is Everyone Else...

Yes, I'm still here, Alhamdulillah, in a healthy condition despite my struggle for obese-type-of-not-wanting-to-diet thingy.. and yes, I'm still single and already a thirty something person... well I don't know what people say about my condition (the single thingy) since I never listen what other said like forever..

But it's 2017.. yes 2017, it's like everything's grown and changed like within a blink of eye.. many things has shifted, like morals, habits, economy -yeah right- and trends. Talking about behavioural trends, sometimes I ask myself, "Where has the gentlemen's gesture gone?"... Yep, I call it, "gentlemen gesture", what is that? well simple things, like giving hand to a woman, girl, or female while she's on a stair, giving her a ride when it's midnight already even though the road is contradictory.. may be the examples are too much, but like giving a girl compliment just to make her smile, is just too rare lately. Or as simple as open a seat or a chair to woman without being asked, now I would call it a miracle.

It doesn't have to make a woman helpless to accept that kind of gesture, or it's too western style or we demand it as equality.. NO.. NO.. NO... for me this kind of gesture is flattering, and it's so rare to find lately, that a boy or a man with intentionally has a bad tendency towards women can use this as one of their methods. Yeah, this kind gesture sometimes misinterpret into a bad intention to get short pleasure.

Who do I have to blame? the equality movements? the independence fight for women so that we -as women- need no help from men? well what is the meaning equal? well I have said there once during my bachelor degree era, I said that equal for men and women are not the same, well we cannot kill the nature side of men or women. I took a degree that majority is men, electrical engineering but it didn't make me lost my feminine side, it did improved and boosted my feminine side because it was easy to be acknowledged as a rare creature in the field. Raised and grew in this kind of situation made me a very loud and outspoken person, though I still uphold the feminine side of me. Showing your feminine side is not, once again NOT stupid, it shows that you have taste and sensitivity more than other, not as a weakness but as a strength that can only be felt as a woman.

Well I demand these gentlemen gestures as a woman, it would not make me as an as*h*le right? because it becomes my requirement for a man.. well don't you want to be treated as a lady despite recent styles of life.. likewise an as*ho*e??

-Jakarta, April 24th, 2017-  

Jun 25, 2016

What's up again.... It's 2016 Already... :D

Hi there, again it's been a while writing on this blog. I visited this page like many.. many time.. but just for taking a glance but too lazy or too busy  facing my life lately (yeah.. right??)

Many things happened in my life, good, bad, some were so so. I've been better, yes I would say so while looking at my life stage now. What happened? jobs? yes, family? yes, me? of course. I've been in a state like I just don;t what to do anymore..

Yes..yes.. yes.. my life was not terrible all the time, I got My Degree.. yes my post graduate MBA -degree, after like 3 years of almost-drop-out kind of student. Well, I know it was harder when you do study and working at the same time, but in my case, it's still the same, procrastination is a deadly virus. But I passed it anyway, with struggle and almost desperate kind of situation (like you cried in a praying room while you;re waiting for approval from your thesis supervisor - yes I DID THAT T__T). However I managed it, on 15th October 2015 (yes it's last year) my graduation ceremony was held, magnificently, it was more festive than what I got from my previous degrees (I ahve two Bachelor degree from different University - it was best moment though :)). I dressed up more, obviously, my mom did too... here we go some part of the celebration.

Well that's a part the good stories, I would say that I fought really hard though I did not get to have a very distinctive honor, just passing this was very much enough for me (this time)...

It's all about my proudly educational life, I really want to continuing on a research but untill now I'm still unable to gain courage or just start doing it. Hopefully I got the gut to do it, and I hoe that I will got what I really want to do (seriously?? I still don't know what I like most to do).

Enough about that, and we would continue on the updates about job hmm.... honestly I envy those people at my age (or even younger) really know what they want todo and they're doing it now, at this moment. Because I believe that if you love what you do, whatever things ahppen in front of you, you'll fight with all your strength. Or at least you are a kind of person who always have the energy to just "go woth it" and become a restless person in pouring totally in their lives.

If you think I don't like my job, I'm not sure, or do I like it, I don't know either. Currently I was just do what ever happens in front of me (hopefully despite of my ill-expression face when some jobs come after me).

Once again, I don't mean to seem like I'm not a grateful person, but altough I has some difficulties in my current jibs, there were some lucky events while I was working in current position, such as:

Hmm not bad right?? hehehe... You can see my collection just click the link above.

That's all my life updates... a short update after 3 years of absence in this blog. I don't try to be a famous blogger or the ones with magnificent snapshots, pictures, or a blog of knowledge and something usefull, well this is my lifeline in the blog. Hope y'all in a healthy life.. :)

Sep 8, 2013

How I miss the old me....

"Success is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm." – Anon

Have you ever wanted to go back in time? or just to feel the same energy like you had before? The enthusiaism, the craving for new things.... are some of the part the I miss the most....

Ada beberapa titik dalam kehidupan dimana aku bisa overcome things that I never imagined to face to... I was once never feeling lonely when I was alone. I was once bravely facing everything while I was so exhausted and even clueless. I was once a person who had a strong belief and dream. I was so determined in anything comes to my life in any way I could. But now, why do I feel everything is different?

A friend told me that I'm not in the same teritorry as I was before, where currently everything's more heterogent and challenging than before. I need to be more tactical in a very simple thing in my life. But is that what I want? Is that what I want to achieve? or I just don't want to learn? or I just don't want to change? or I just want to be in the safe side?

Many things wandered in my head, my fears, my regrets, my thoughts, my questions, my instability. Well, perhaps some one can be changed because of the environment or the forces are bigger than their life so they should change and survive. But become a survivor is not enough here, so what should I do? I just miss the old me, with the courage and the hope :(

..looking back over my shoulder.....

Jul 15, 2013

I can, can't I?

Banyak buku personality self help ataupun motivation book or theories yang bilang kita harus up to challenge, mengahadapi yang ada di depan kita, membuktikan bahwa kita bisa menyelesaikan masalah. Well, itu adalah most of theories, the optimist ones, the bright side of any effort we made.

Tapi entah kenapa, kalau diaplikasikan ke dalam diri sendiri, selalu ada pemikiran yang contradictory, atau bisa dibilang berlawanan dari apapun yang pernah aku hadapi ataupun yang ditugaskan dari orang lain, dalam hal ini adalah pekerjaan. Sering timbul pemikiran di kepala 'Kok semakin memberatkan sih?' 'Kok ga mau membantu dan malah menyusahkan' 'Ini kan seharusnya bukan saya yang mengerjakan' 'Mana bisa kalo saya yang ngerjain' 'Kok semua yang susah ke aku sih?'

Sifat overly risk averse ini, somehow membuat kepalaku cloudy, makes me so emotionally driven dan total bad tempered. Seorang teman pernah mengingatkan utk menghitung dari 1-10 sebelum mencoba merespon apapun baik pikiran maupun ucapan apalagi tindakan. It happened to me today, well I know I should've tried or at least scratched a simple concept and did a part of what requested. However, I managed to calm myself down for the first and it takes some time *sigh* Apalagi di tempat ini semuanya harus bergerak cepat dan dituntut cepat haphaphap ga ada waktu wandering around. Nah klo kayak gini terus aku gimana? berkembang ga yah? bisa ga yah? bisa kok bisa, pelan-pelan :)

Pernah menelpon bapak menceritakan IPK S2 yang tidak sesuai dengan keinginankua, beliau dengan pelannya bilang "Alhamdulillah masih di atas 3.5 ga harus perfect kok nak, disyukuri, dijalani dan dinikmati aja' nasihat ini seperti angin segar, tapi bertolak belakang dengan lingkungan yang menuntut nilai yg selalu tinggi almost reaching for perfection, it's hard :( however actually it's like a love-and-hate situation. I love the beat and every knowledge that I get but the other way I'm suffered from perfection pressure :(

Soundtrack kegundahan ini adalah lagu electro-pop-dance, Clarity by Zedd feat foxes, cool video and deep meaning lyrics :)

High dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life
Fight fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time
Hold still right before we crash 'cause we both know how this ends
A clock ticks 'til it breaks your glass and I drown in you again

'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

(Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey)

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

Walk on through a red parade and refuse to make amends
It cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense
Don't speak as I try to leave 'cause we both know what we'll choose
If you pull then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you

'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

(Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey)
Why are you my clarity?Why are you my remedy?Why are you my clarity?Why are you my remedy?
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

Jul 9, 2013

Heartwarming Songs of The Week

Yes, despite of all those sickness stories of hell, I found these two songs from particular one singer, quite heartwarming ones. The singer is Phillip Phillps, who won the 11th American Idol, and the song he sings is a kind of song my other favorite band Mumfor and Sons usually plays. Perhaps the song is a type of song that really into the girls' fantasy about someone who would love to spend the rest of his life with you, sweet ones :). My bad at this age I'm still dreaming and okay I admitted I weeped as I went through the lyrics..hahahaha... But like Aristotle said 'You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream'...and like someone said, it takes no time to achieve any dream, here you go the songs, and scrap of my favorite lyrics while I know I questioned it will it be real? (since it has some Vevo contents please view it on Youtube)

Phillip Phillips - Gone Gone Gone

When you fall like a statue
I'm gon' be there to catch you
Put you on your feet, you on your feet.
And if your well is empty
Not a thing will prevent me.
Tell me what you need, what do you need?

Phillip Phillips - Home

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Hit again..Moment to Know My Self

Yes, It hits again, over and over again. I don't know why, perhaps this illness is closely related to mental condition. Yes, it's called gastritis, or biasa di sebut maag.

Kejadian ini bertubi-tubi menyerang, sudah hampir 3 minggu ke 3 dokter yang berbeda, diagnosanya sama --> Maag. Yang pertama awalnya pilek dan batuk seperti radang tenggorokan sudah hampir 2 minggu ga sembuh-sembuh akhirnya ke dokter spesialis THT karena suara totally hilang (Sabtu 29 Juni 2013), yang jadinya perlu bertahan dengan serak-serak sexy basah bertahan selama seminggu. Si Dokter THT ini bilang bahwa radang tenggorokannya sudah hilang tinggal pilek ringan saja, tapi ini waaah <it's like an 'aha' moment for the doctor while he was pointing his micro camera through my larynx> pita suaranya memang bengkak karena iritasi asam lambung. WHAATTT??!! asam lambung sampe pita suara. Well sama dokternya dikasih obat maag yg diminum sebelum makan dan obat antiradang. Well berjalan 3-4 hari obat maag ini ternyata punya efek samping, yaitu sembelit :( maka dihentikanlah ini obat (Pumpitor namanya) hari Jumat (5 Juli 2013) sudah ga minum dan bisa lancar BAB besok paginya.

Nah hari Sabtunya (6 Juli 2013) sorenya ada rasa aneh sakit diperut dari perut bagian kiri sampai kanan sampai ke pinggang dan punggung. OMG, ga tenang abis, takut karena ga selesai-selesai sakitnya langsunglah ke UGD. Maak UGD rumah sakitnya Full, luar biasa, ngeliat dokter jaganya yang cakep deep down inside stress menelpon dokter spesialis yang mgkn utk pasien lain. Ketika diperiksa sam si dokter, dia lsg bilang, ini makannya gmn, stress atau gmn? dan ketika si dokter meletakkan stetoskop di perut bilang waah ribut emang sih perutnya sama kembung. Alhasil dese cuman ngasih obat obat maag yg diminum sblm makan dan suplemen enzim plus anti mual. And I got dismissed home. 

The pain didn't go, as it hit again on Sunday night, on Moday I went to other hospital. This time, to the Internist - Gastroenterologist, which had the speciality in abdominal section. Well, he also recognized this as gastroesophagealreflux disease (GERD) yaah bahasanya sama lah yaaah Maag. Nah si dokter sempat mengindikasikan takutnya ada batu empedu kemudian diminta untuk USG dan ada treatment lain utk mendeteksi kuman dalam perut. Satu diagnosa dokternya yang mirip dengan dokter sebelumnya adalah ketika dia meletakkan stetoskop di perut, dia bilang emang ribut banget ini perut. Well the doctor said no more and asked me to visit again this Friday (July 12th 2013). Before that he seemed to ask me on the endoscopy procedure, but I rejected because it was too early and I'm afraid, so the doctor suggested to have USG instead though the radiologist said that she couldn't see the ulcer since it needs endoscopy. However, the Internist said it would be ok to have an endoscopy procedure since you would be sleeping during the process, but I couldn't when I was alone during the examination.

That was all one of hell stories, mungkin ada masalah dengan mental dan badanku ini mengingat apa yang terjadi akhir-akhir ini di pekerjaan. Well mungkin semua itu hanya di kepalaku, dan badanku bereaksi lebay luar biasa. Penasaran juga, waktu-waktu sakit ini, bikin berpikir menjadi lebih dalam. Not to mention tugas kuliah yang bisa dikerjaan pun juga berantakan *sigh*

Kalau dipikir-pikir, mungkin penyebabnya dari pikiran yang terlalu rumit, mungkin yah, karena sudah sekitar 1 bulan mencoba gaya hidup sehat dengan green smoothies dan memperbanyak buah-buahan. Kekurangan makanan padat bisa jadi pemicunya, karena asam lambung akan menghancurkan makanan padat yang masuk ke lambung. Tapi faktor pertama sangat signifikan sepertinya. Soal faktor pemicu seperti stress dan pikiran rumit bisa jadi pemicu dari semua ini. Walaupun mungkin seharusnya ga perlu reaksi lebay segitunya, it's only my head can control :(

Ada satu hal yang tiba-tiba terpikir ketika sakit begini, tentang sifat ini apakah turunan atau bagaimana. I have a head and a vision like my father's, which always seeking for perfection and excellence in ideas and implementations, while my body and mental condition are more to my mother's which always seeking for comfort and safe zone to be the best. Kedua hal ini tentu saja contradictory, sangat bertolak belakang, ketika kita ingin sesuatu yang excellent tapi ga mampu ketika berada di titik tekanan tertentu atau saat keadaan tidak sesuai dengan perencanaan dan gambaran di kepala. Well, do I angry to my parents for inheriting these? nope, I hope not though. It's not fair to blame someone else, where the one whose control you is yourself. 

A good friend of mine said I need to have a better life, a better quality of life, don't stuck just too busy in my head. Well, she's totally right, I just need to face it anyway, when it's not working good then it's fine at least you try at your best. Maybe it's because the environment I'm in always see perfection is a must and any tolerance of failure will kick you out of league. A league that I never had any intend to jump in, but I'm there anyway :( 

Well, that's all the rumbling moment of one's sickness, my father always reminds me to ne sincere in living my life, a friend also sent me a motivation "Alloh SWT will never be bored to hear your prayings untill you, yourself get bored"