I can, can't I?

Banyak buku personality self help ataupun motivation book or theories yang bilang kita harus up to challenge, mengahadapi yang ada di depan kita, membuktikan bahwa kita bisa menyelesaikan masalah. Well, itu adalah most of theories, the optimist ones, the bright side of any effort we made.

Tapi entah kenapa, kalau diaplikasikan ke dalam diri sendiri, selalu ada pemikiran yang contradictory, atau bisa dibilang berlawanan dari apapun yang pernah aku hadapi ataupun yang ditugaskan dari orang lain, dalam hal ini adalah pekerjaan. Sering timbul pemikiran di kepala 'Kok semakin memberatkan sih?' 'Kok ga mau membantu dan malah menyusahkan' 'Ini kan seharusnya bukan saya yang mengerjakan' 'Mana bisa kalo saya yang ngerjain' 'Kok semua yang susah ke aku sih?'

Sifat overly risk averse ini, somehow membuat kepalaku cloudy, makes me so emotionally driven dan total bad tempered. Seorang teman pernah mengingatkan utk menghitung dari 1-10 sebelum mencoba merespon apapun baik pikiran maupun ucapan apalagi tindakan. It happened to me today, well I know I should've tried or at least scratched a simple concept and did a part of what requested. However, I managed to calm myself down for the first and it takes some time *sigh* Apalagi di tempat ini semuanya harus bergerak cepat dan dituntut cepat haphaphap ga ada waktu wandering around. Nah klo kayak gini terus aku gimana? berkembang ga yah? bisa ga yah? bisa kok bisa, pelan-pelan :)

Pernah menelpon bapak menceritakan IPK S2 yang tidak sesuai dengan keinginankua, beliau dengan pelannya bilang "Alhamdulillah masih di atas 3.5 ga harus perfect kok nak, disyukuri, dijalani dan dinikmati aja' nasihat ini seperti angin segar, tapi bertolak belakang dengan lingkungan yang menuntut nilai yg selalu tinggi almost reaching for perfection, it's hard :( however actually it's like a love-and-hate situation. I love the beat and every knowledge that I get but the other way I'm suffered from perfection pressure :(

Soundtrack kegundahan ini adalah lagu electro-pop-dance, Clarity by Zedd feat foxes, cool video and deep meaning lyrics :)

High dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life
Fight fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time
Hold still right before we crash 'cause we both know how this ends
A clock ticks 'til it breaks your glass and I drown in you again

'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

(Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey)

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

Walk on through a red parade and refuse to make amends
It cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense
Don't speak as I try to leave 'cause we both know what we'll choose
If you pull then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you

'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

(Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey)
Why are you my clarity?Why are you my remedy?Why are you my clarity?Why are you my remedy?
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?