I can, can't I?

Banyak buku personality self help ataupun motivation book or theories yang bilang kita harus up to challenge, mengahadapi yang ada di depan kita, membuktikan bahwa kita bisa menyelesaikan masalah. Well, itu adalah most of theories, the optimist ones, the bright side of any effort we made.

Tapi entah kenapa, kalau diaplikasikan ke dalam diri sendiri, selalu ada pemikiran yang contradictory, atau bisa dibilang berlawanan dari apapun yang pernah aku hadapi ataupun yang ditugaskan dari orang lain, dalam hal ini adalah pekerjaan. Sering timbul pemikiran di kepala 'Kok semakin memberatkan sih?' 'Kok ga mau membantu dan malah menyusahkan' 'Ini kan seharusnya bukan saya yang mengerjakan' 'Mana bisa kalo saya yang ngerjain' 'Kok semua yang susah ke aku sih?'

Sifat overly risk averse ini, somehow membuat kepalaku cloudy, makes me so emotionally driven dan total bad tempered. Seorang teman pernah mengingatkan utk menghitung dari 1-10 sebelum mencoba merespon apapun baik pikiran maupun ucapan apalagi tindakan. It happened to me today, well I know I should've tried or at least scratched a simple concept and did a part of what requested. However, I managed to calm myself down for the first and it takes some time *sigh* Apalagi di tempat ini semuanya harus bergerak cepat dan dituntut cepat haphaphap ga ada waktu wandering around. Nah klo kayak gini terus aku gimana? berkembang ga yah? bisa ga yah? bisa kok bisa, pelan-pelan :)

Pernah menelpon bapak menceritakan IPK S2 yang tidak sesuai dengan keinginankua, beliau dengan pelannya bilang "Alhamdulillah masih di atas 3.5 ga harus perfect kok nak, disyukuri, dijalani dan dinikmati aja' nasihat ini seperti angin segar, tapi bertolak belakang dengan lingkungan yang menuntut nilai yg selalu tinggi almost reaching for perfection, it's hard :( however actually it's like a love-and-hate situation. I love the beat and every knowledge that I get but the other way I'm suffered from perfection pressure :(

Soundtrack kegundahan ini adalah lagu electro-pop-dance, Clarity by Zedd feat foxes, cool video and deep meaning lyrics :)

High dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life
Fight fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time
Hold still right before we crash 'cause we both know how this ends
A clock ticks 'til it breaks your glass and I drown in you again

'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

(Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey)

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

Walk on through a red parade and refuse to make amends
It cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense
Don't speak as I try to leave 'cause we both know what we'll choose
If you pull then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you

'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

(Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey)
Why are you my clarity?Why are you my remedy?Why are you my clarity?Why are you my remedy?
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

Heartwarming Songs of The Week

Yes, despite of all those sickness stories of hell, I found these two songs from particular one singer, quite heartwarming ones. The singer is Phillip Phillps, who won the 11th American Idol, and the song he sings is a kind of song my other favorite band Mumfor and Sons usually plays. Perhaps the song is a type of song that really into the girls' fantasy about someone who would love to spend the rest of his life with you, sweet ones :). My bad at this age I'm still dreaming and okay I admitted I weeped as I went through the lyrics..hahahaha... But like Aristotle said 'You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream'...and like someone said, it takes no time to achieve any dream, here you go the songs, and scrap of my favorite lyrics while I know I questioned it will it be real? (since it has some Vevo contents please view it on Youtube)

Phillip Phillips - Gone Gone Gone



When you fall like a statue
I'm gon' be there to catch you
Put you on your feet, you on your feet.
And if your well is empty
Not a thing will prevent me.
Tell me what you need, what do you need?

Phillip Phillips - Home



Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Hit again..Moment to Know My Self

Yes, It hits again, over and over again. I don't know why, perhaps this illness is closely related to mental condition. Yes, it's called gastritis, or biasa di sebut maag.

Kejadian ini bertubi-tubi menyerang, sudah hampir 3 minggu ke 3 dokter yang berbeda, diagnosanya sama --> Maag. Yang pertama awalnya pilek dan batuk seperti radang tenggorokan sudah hampir 2 minggu ga sembuh-sembuh akhirnya ke dokter spesialis THT karena suara totally hilang (Sabtu 29 Juni 2013), yang jadinya perlu bertahan dengan serak-serak sexy basah bertahan selama seminggu. Si Dokter THT ini bilang bahwa radang tenggorokannya sudah hilang tinggal pilek ringan saja, tapi ini waaah <it's like an 'aha' moment for the doctor while he was pointing his micro camera through my larynx> pita suaranya memang bengkak karena iritasi asam lambung. WHAATTT??!! asam lambung sampe pita suara. Well sama dokternya dikasih obat maag yg diminum sebelum makan dan obat antiradang. Well berjalan 3-4 hari obat maag ini ternyata punya efek samping, yaitu sembelit :( maka dihentikanlah ini obat (Pumpitor namanya) hari Jumat (5 Juli 2013) sudah ga minum dan bisa lancar BAB besok paginya.

Nah hari Sabtunya (6 Juli 2013) sorenya ada rasa aneh sakit diperut dari perut bagian kiri sampai kanan sampai ke pinggang dan punggung. OMG, ga tenang abis, takut karena ga selesai-selesai sakitnya langsunglah ke UGD. Maak UGD rumah sakitnya Full, luar biasa, ngeliat dokter jaganya yang cakep deep down inside stress menelpon dokter spesialis yang mgkn utk pasien lain. Ketika diperiksa sam si dokter, dia lsg bilang, ini makannya gmn, stress atau gmn? dan ketika si dokter meletakkan stetoskop di perut bilang waah ribut emang sih perutnya sama kembung. Alhasil dese cuman ngasih obat obat maag yg diminum sblm makan dan suplemen enzim plus anti mual. And I got dismissed home. 

The pain didn't go, as it hit again on Sunday night, on Moday I went to other hospital. This time, to the Internist - Gastroenterologist, which had the speciality in abdominal section. Well, he also recognized this as gastroesophagealreflux disease (GERD) yaah bahasanya sama lah yaaah Maag. Nah si dokter sempat mengindikasikan takutnya ada batu empedu kemudian diminta untuk USG dan ada treatment lain utk mendeteksi kuman dalam perut. Satu diagnosa dokternya yang mirip dengan dokter sebelumnya adalah ketika dia meletakkan stetoskop di perut, dia bilang emang ribut banget ini perut. Well the doctor said no more and asked me to visit again this Friday (July 12th 2013). Before that he seemed to ask me on the endoscopy procedure, but I rejected because it was too early and I'm afraid, so the doctor suggested to have USG instead though the radiologist said that she couldn't see the ulcer since it needs endoscopy. However, the Internist said it would be ok to have an endoscopy procedure since you would be sleeping during the process, but I couldn't when I was alone during the examination.

That was all one of hell stories, mungkin ada masalah dengan mental dan badanku ini mengingat apa yang terjadi akhir-akhir ini di pekerjaan. Well mungkin semua itu hanya di kepalaku, dan badanku bereaksi lebay luar biasa. Penasaran juga, waktu-waktu sakit ini, bikin berpikir menjadi lebih dalam. Not to mention tugas kuliah yang bisa dikerjaan pun juga berantakan *sigh*

Kalau dipikir-pikir, mungkin penyebabnya dari pikiran yang terlalu rumit, mungkin yah, karena sudah sekitar 1 bulan mencoba gaya hidup sehat dengan green smoothies dan memperbanyak buah-buahan. Kekurangan makanan padat bisa jadi pemicunya, karena asam lambung akan menghancurkan makanan padat yang masuk ke lambung. Tapi faktor pertama sangat signifikan sepertinya. Soal faktor pemicu seperti stress dan pikiran rumit bisa jadi pemicu dari semua ini. Walaupun mungkin seharusnya ga perlu reaksi lebay segitunya, it's only my head can control :(

Ada satu hal yang tiba-tiba terpikir ketika sakit begini, tentang sifat ini apakah turunan atau bagaimana. I have a head and a vision like my father's, which always seeking for perfection and excellence in ideas and implementations, while my body and mental condition are more to my mother's which always seeking for comfort and safe zone to be the best. Kedua hal ini tentu saja contradictory, sangat bertolak belakang, ketika kita ingin sesuatu yang excellent tapi ga mampu ketika berada di titik tekanan tertentu atau saat keadaan tidak sesuai dengan perencanaan dan gambaran di kepala. Well, do I angry to my parents for inheriting these? nope, I hope not though. It's not fair to blame someone else, where the one whose control you is yourself. 

A good friend of mine said I need to have a better life, a better quality of life, don't stuck just too busy in my head. Well, she's totally right, I just need to face it anyway, when it's not working good then it's fine at least you try at your best. Maybe it's because the environment I'm in always see perfection is a must and any tolerance of failure will kick you out of league. A league that I never had any intend to jump in, but I'm there anyway :( 

Well, that's all the rumbling moment of one's sickness, my father always reminds me to ne sincere in living my life, a friend also sent me a motivation "Alloh SWT will never be bored to hear your prayings untill you, yourself get bored"